I'm open for advices, opinions and what-not.
But please let me tell you this,
I am my own person.
Stop trying so hard,
To change me into someone you are delusional,
Of just to fall in love with the idea of falling in love.
I can be as fragile as a glass & as strong as iron.
My mood changes faster than seasons.
I am a free-spirit,
You cannot contain me.
No, you cannot cage me.
I crave for wanderlust.
I am bound to go beyond the boundaries we suffocate ourselves with.
I am clumsy.
I'll trip, get bruised and bleed.
But my scars are a reminder,
Of my triumph over obstacles,
That seemed so difficult to overcome.
I am what I am.
Deal with it.
My heart is like a clear sky on a cold winter day.
You'll find it seldom.
I am open to all but closed inside,
Shut by a permanent lock,
Which, I know,
No-one can open it with any instrument.
I usually don't cry,
But when I do,
I cry like a downpour rain.
My pen bleeds in the specific room,
Where you had left for me.
You know, when I see a butterfly
It reminds me of our late night kisses, And daybreak secrets.
I see you in everything I do.
I see you in my mirror standing behind me.
I see you on my paper while writing,
Whether I am solving trigo identities or solving the puzzle of my life.
I see you, just you,
Like an oblivion talking to those small grasses,
Experiencing ; This fickle life,
The endless freshness.
I have became quite and peaceful.
Quite like shadow and peaceful like sea.
Little do we know,
We leave a part of ourselves
With whomever who departs from us,
When you are lonely,
Thinking about your best fantasy,
Things starts moving in your mind,
You end up in catching "No-one".
So, when you are lonely,
You learn to live with darkness,
You learn to hide your secrets,
You learn to live with a silence,
You learn to talk to yourself.
Eventually, you learn to die,
As a living corpse.
My first kiss to you won't be on your lips, or forehead.
It will be on the scars you feel my eyes don't catch.
For all I need is when you stare at them,
on one of those sleepless nights,
you feel the love superseding the pain.
I need you to feel the touch and the kiss,
and not the agony and tears that those scars caused you.
I need you to feel me.
and that's how I intend to make love to you,
From head to toe,
From skin to bones,
Every single bit,
One after the other.
I want to give you reassurance,
That I am always here.
Loving you everyday,
even when we are physically apart.
Just when no one gets you,
I will be your last consolation.
I'll always be the last arm you will cry into.
When all their arms are crossed and folded from you.
I will see the beauty,
The beauty you wanted to show Yet,
They failed to see.
It's just like how the stars,
assure the sky that even when it's daytime, The stars are just there,
lovingly and patiently,
Waiting for their turn to be with the sky again !!!
I am what I am.
I don't need a certificate from you,
of what I am or I should be.
I am my choices.
I am my situations.
I am my dreams.
I am my decisions.
I am what I always wanted to be.
I have lived a whole life to be who I am.
You cannot. Let me repeat myself.
YOU CAN NOT decide who I am. Okay!
I may change for someone, one day.
Then somebody else will come,
And want me to change,
And I might change myself,
But then I'll not be "me'.
This world will never settle on something.
People will keep labelling others.
They'll keep asking me & you to change.
But you must know who you are.
And stick to that.
You are the first thing on my mind,
as I wake up this morning.
You have not been on my mind or in my heart,
For a long time now, but today,
Lying in the bed we once shared...
I wish your legs were intertwined with mine;
your feet on top of my feet,
your knees bent towards me,
feeling the warmth of your skin on mine.
I lay on the side of the bed,
that was once yours and with my eyes closed,
I can feel your arms around me,
holding me close,
As your morning body heavily settles against mine.
Your face snuggles into my neck,
& the sigh you give every morning,
comes alive in my memory.
Barely awake, I feel you squeeze me,
making me feel safe and protected,
in our home, our bedroom and in your arms.
I miss you today.
Standing alone in the kitchen,
I suddenly crave breakfast food.
I think back to the Sundays,
we would throw on whatever clothes happened to be closest to us,
and get in the car, headed toward breakfast tacos.
We would call your parents from the car,
& make funny faces as they went on and on about the latest family gossip. Sometimes we would sit in silence,
& other times I would talk and talk about nothing in particular,
but you would smile…
Because we were together,
& we were happy just being close to each other.
I miss you today.
Outside the air is perfect,
the sky above is blue with scattered clouds,
& there is a slight breeze against my face as I walk to the car.
It makes me miss your hands;
their smoothness, the security they represented,
& the way one would always grope around from the drivers seat,
Until it was safely entwined with mine.
I loved the way you would grab onto me,
As if you were afraid of losing me.
I miss you today.
I drive past places,
we used to go together & begin thinking of things,
We could do if you were here.
Instead of being in the car,
I’d still be in bed.
We’d be sleeping in without a care in the world.
Our bodies would be close.
Your heartbeat would vibrate,
against my face as I’d lay my head on your bare chest.
When we’d get hungry enough to pry ourselves out of bed,
we’d make a fatty, delicious breakfast in the kitchen.
Together.
If feeling energetic,
We would visit open houses & plan our future as we toured each one.
Or we would just lay on the couch & watch a game.
Your head would be in my lap,
As I’d move my hands through your rich black hair,
until you close your eyes with satisfaction.
I would feel you adjust your body,
as you’d indicate where you’d like to be massaged next.
We would settle into each other without a worry or a care,
because we’d know, no matter what,
that we would always be together.
I miss you today.
But today you have a new life.
You have a new Sunday routine with someone else.
Maybe it’s better.
Maybe it’s not.
It’s just no longer with me.
Maybe you miss me at times.
Maybe you want to wake up with me at times.
Instead we have gone our separate ways.
Instead we found that we did not work well together.
Today I miss you,
But I also feel hopeful;
Hopeful that soon I will have a new Sunday routine with a man,
who I can feel both happy & comfortable with.
Maybe he will help me forget about you.
Maybe there will be days just like today,
When I will wish I were still waking up with you,
Embraced by love we once shared.
As for now,
We’re finding our own path without each other.
And with each new day that passes,
I think of you less and less.
But today...
I miss you !!!
I will save you
And you will save me too...
Not with words or music....
We will do this !
Crawl out from this place we're in,
by breathing life back,
Into each other's lungs.
Each day by furiously,
Pounding our hearts against the world,
As one untill the whole damn thing,
is painted red hot and wet with desire...
I am drowning in this city. Drowning in the exhaust fumes and mechanical noise. Drowning in the faceless faces. The pale, pinched mouths crying out for love but afraid to simply ask for it. Those hard birdlike eyes that look straight through me. I’m sick and tired of walking out of my apartment and wading into a sea of judgment. I like to walk barefoot and when I do even some of my friends are suddenly made uncomfortable. As if something slightly out of the ordinary (my naked feet)—like a glitch in the matrix—shakes their world so hard that they feel they too might go under. Go under the carefully constructed and controlled surface that we have manufactured. A friend will nervously joke and make light of it. But the ones who don’t know me and simply pass by on the street usually react with either sympathy or aggression. Assuming perhaps that because my feet are naked I don’t have shoes. Misplaced sympathy or blatant aggression. Because of no shoes. Sometimes I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Manufactured this and artificial that. Fake nails and shaved pussies and hair gel and spiritual materialism and politics and corruption. All I want is to look into your eyes and see your soul; to touch and be touched by the depths of your being. Is that too much to ask? I don’t care what colour your skin is or what you do for a living or what language you speak. We don’t need to speak. It’s over-rated. Let’s break bread together. Let’s make a fire and cook and joke together. Let’s sit and look up at the stars when night falls, send up some prayers together. I am not afraid of you. You needn’t be afraid of me. And if you truly saw me you would know that. But so many of us don’t see anything beyond our own filter, our own projections. We don’t live any more in the world. We live in an isolated bubble and see only the inner surface of that bubble. “Human Bubbles” they will call us in a thousand years time, as they look back in horror at what became of us. But I know you. You are like me. We both have the same needs, the same desires and the same dreams. What little we do need is here in abundance. So really, we need nothing. We desire only one thing: Connection (love, intimacy, call it what you will). Because, as Buddha (may have) said: “The foot feels the foot when it feels the ground.” We want to know and understand and touch and feel and sense and penetrate and be penetrated by each other because we are each other. And to know another truly is to truly know oneself. And that is what we truly desire. And I know that your deepest dreams are of peace and of unity. Because we all just want to come home. But this surface that we cling to so desperately—this artificial world that we have created for ourselves, pixelated, asphalt covered, shiny and sterile—it does not give us anything that we want or need. You will not find intimacy here. You certainly will not find any peace or unity here! And even your physical needs—food, water, oxygen—will be slowly poisoned and strangulated here. It is time to break out of this self-imposed prison, humans! It is time to wake the fuck up and take a good long hard look in the mirror and say: “I am alive, I am human, I am animal, I am a child of whatever God I do or don’t believe in, and I am sovereign. I am my own master. I allow no one to stifle my dreams. I allow none to poison my home, my world, this Mother Earth. I am spirit and flesh and bone, and I am here to rule my own kingdom.” And then to walk away from the mirror without letting that reflection go—to hold it in our mind’s eye in every moment, knowing always that we are as sacred and beautiful and unique and valuable as anything, ever. What a ridiculous irony—that we hold on to that which slowly strangles us while the depths we recoil from are nourishment and nurture beyond our wildest imaginings. That we desperately seek external entertainment when within a single cell of our bodies there awaits infinite pleasure and wonder and joy. The kingdom of God is within. Within is where the revolution must take place. I am drowning in this city...
Somewhere, in the middle of the night,
as I sleep with the windows open
Letting those breezes caress my face
Healing my soul,
I fly without wings or a jetpack.
I love the ONE & he loves me back,
there's no one there to cut my wings
Or to shoot me down by their words,
Neither is there anyone to stop us
From loving each other.
At least,
I'm being MYSELF in my DREAMS!
